Bob's Banter
by Robert Clements

Sarkozy and Friend..!

"....France has indicated to India that President Nicolas Sarkozy could be accompanied by his girlfriend, former super model, Carla Bruni, on his four day visit from January 24 th." Times of India, Jan 5th.

"His what?" squealed the Indian Prime Minister.

"His girlfriend sir!" said his PA.

"What protocol do we accord a girlfriend? Do we continue playing the national anthem for her as she gets off the aircraft or do we stop just as soon as Sarkozy gets off?"

"I think we should stop sir or the BJP may object, they can be quite sticky over the moral implications of our sacred song being played for a paramour!"

"But if I stop the anthem half way I might be sued for lack of regard to the National Anthem!"

"Maybe we should not play it at all sir!"

"How do I address her? Hello Mr President and hello madam.."
"Miss!"

"Miss?"

"Yes Miss Carla! Madam sounds old; Sarkozy's having a fling to feel young again and also sir, I'm sure he would find it very endearing if you just said 'Carla,' like Hi Carla how was the flight?"

"And come back and find Mrs Manmohan saying, 'hello Manmohan you can leave on the next flight!"

"I guess you have a problem sir!"

"And what about secret talks? Will she accompany the President?"

"Are you planning to have secret talks sir?"

"Of course I am, what d'you think I've been discussing with all the MP's, chief ministers and the press? It is very crucial we have secret talks with the French, but it is extremely difficult whispering state secrets into a man's ear with his girlfriend nibbling it!"

"What happens when they bring their wives sir?"

"They don't nibble ears, they're generally shopping!"

"So we can take her shopping!"

"Who?"

"I could sir!"

"And have an Indo French war if you're caught flirting with her, no, no, this is going to be very difficult! Why can't the French do things the way the rest of the world does?"

"That's it sir! We'll marry them off! Something like a transit visa, we'll have a transit marriage at the airport! Call a priest, a band, and we'll take them to their hotel on a horse! We'll even issue a temporary marriage certificate just for four days!"

"Brilliant!" said the Indian Prime Minister, "now we can show the rest of the world how morally right India always is..!"

Jes' Monkeying Around..!

With all the furor over Symonds being called a 'monkey' nobody's bothered how the monkeys feel about it. The local zookeeper was surprised as he entered the monkey enclosure, "What's the noise boys?" he asked.

"I'll be a monkey's uncle! How dare someone call Symond's a monkey?" asked the chief monkey as he threw a peanut at the zookeeper, and soon had all the monkeys following suit.

"Stop it guys!" said the keeper patiently.

"We'll stop it when we have an apology."

"From whom?"

"Harbhajan, who else?"

"But he's in Australia!"

"We don't give a monkey where he is! If you don't get him pronto we'll make a monkey out of you! You know what happened in Delhi?"

"I know; you guys killed the Deputy Mayor!"

"So call Harbhajan!"

The zookeeper who had the numbers of all the cricketers called Harbhajan on his cell, "Here," he told the chief monkey you speak to him!"

"You called Symond's a monkey?" shrieked the chief monkey into the phone.

"I'm sorry," said Bhaji, "I didn't mean to hurt you guys!"

"Where's Symonds?"

"You want to talk to him?"

"Yep," said the chief monkey.

"He's playing beach ball with his team, wait I'll give the phone to him!"

The chief of the monkeys waited till Symonds came on line.

"Hi pal, we're furious you know! We don't like all and sundry being labeled as monkeys! Normally we bite the heads off anyone who does such!"

"Exactly what I did!"

"You bit Harbhajan's head off?"

"Yep I did, oh yes I did; complained to the authorities; bluffed them he said something racially abusive and now there's a giant monkey on his back!"


"You don't say so?"

"Yeah!"

"What else you do brother?"

"Team was going to lose so I threw a monkey wrench into the game: Got therest of the team sledging, then a lil' cheating here and there; you know, pretending we're not out when we've had a snick and taking catches where there were none! Made monkeys of the umpires too!"

"Yeow!" shrieked the chief monkey and Symonds heard all the other monkeys in the zoo joining in the laughter.

"You like it?" he asked.

"We love it!"

It was an elated Symonds who gave the phone back to Harbhajan.

"Monkey gave you a piece of his mind?" asked the Indian cricketer.
"Hell no! He's invited us to join his gang, says we would fit in very well with all the monkey tricks we're up to! Give me a paw Harbhajan, lets shake and make up shall we? Didn't know you were paying me a compliment pal..!"